Artemis Behind The Wheel
by LadyTyrant
Summary: Artemis is not good at driving and Butler, as his teacher, is yelling advice and such at him.Better then summary. Artemis is off character slightly.


I do not own Artemis or Butler. Artemis is a little off character. Please review.

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**25 street-sign themes**

1.Stop: Artemis Fowl, boy genius, human who forced the fairies to part with some of their gold, is a terror as a student driver. Butler's goal is to get him to notice and stop at at least half of the stop signs he passes. This would be a _huge_ improvement. 

**2.Yield:** "Yield?! Why should _I_ yield?! I am too great to yield! He should have yielded!" This is what Butler heard after the 'screech' 'ahhh' and "God Damn."

**3.Slippery When Wet:** "Yes, Artemis, it said 'slippery when wet'. No, Artemis, I'm sure you aren't dead. Yes, Artemis, I can get the Bentley out of the ditch.

**4.Dead End:** The first time Artemis saw a 'dead end' sign while he was driving, he began to wonder what he would do if his work ever came to a dead end. Would he go back and start over? He was yanked out of his thoughts when Butler leaned over, grabbed the wheel, and pulled the Bentley into a sharp U-turn, so they would avoid the brick wall that happened to be at the end of this particular 'dead end' road.

**5. 4-way:** 'A 4-way intersection means everyone stops and you let the three that were there before you go first. Three, Artemis. Not two.' this was written on the back of the number chart Holly sent him after that particular incident.

**6.Exit Only:** "'Exit only', Artemis, means you can't turn in there. In other words, Artemis, that was your fault

**7.Detour:** Written on a mental note in Butler's head is the following: 'Next time we're going on a road trip and Artemis is driving, suggest detours around _every_ populated area.

**8.Men Working:** "when you see a sign that says 'men working', you are supposed to slow down so you don't hit them. I said _don't _hit them!"

**9.Divided Highway:** Butler has decided his charge is no where near ready to drive on a divided highway.

**10.Rough Road:** "On a rough road there are potholes. Which you should _avoid_! I just had this wheel realigned since the _last_ time we went down this road.

**11.Soft Shoulder:** "when you see a sign that says 'soft shoulder', it means the shoulder of the road is weak and rather unstable. No! Not my shoulder"

**12.Share The Road:** When Artemis first started driving, he either had no idea how to or refused to share the road. Everyone who knows Artemis, are sure it's the latter.

**13.Fresh Oil:** Artemis swears that 'teaching' him to change the oil of the Bentley, is Butler's way of getting back at him for his driving. Somehow, Butler doesn't get a drop of oil on himself, where as Artemis gets drenched.

**14.Bump:** Butler is always hitting his head on the roof of the Bentley as it is. Artemis didn't think of that when he sped up to go over the speed bump.

**15.Dip:** Butler has been putting some serious thought into stealing a 'Dip' sign and changing it to say 'Ditch'. He then wants to hand it on the Bentley whenever Artemis is driving. Holly likes that idea. She thinks it's appropriate since the car seems to end up in a ditch three out of five times when Artemis is driving.

**16.Traffic Circle: **Going through a plaza, Artemis had two choices. He could go around the traffic circle again or he could run over a school group. Butler had a hard time convincing him to go around the traffic circle again.

**17.Narrow Bridge:** "since this is a narrow bridge, only one person can cross at a time. He was here first, so let him go. I said let _him _go…You will be the one repainting that side of the Bentley."

**18.One Way:** Foaly sent Artemis a chart with the alphabet on it. On the back of the chart was written the pronunciation and definition of 'One way'. Come on, he hadn't seen the sign…the first time.

**19.Duck Crossing: **Butler wants to know why Artemis can wait ten minutes to cross the road, but can't wait two minutes for people.

**20.First St.:** "currently, we're on Fifty-sixth Street. Fifty-seventh Street is on the left so we want to go right to get First Street. No! The other right!"

**21.Slow:** "Artemis? Did you see what that sign said? No? It said 'Slow'. So slow down!"

**22.Dangerous Intersection:** When Artemis is driving, _every_ intersection is dangerous.

**23.Ahead:** "Artemis, look beyond the hood. Ahead of us. Do you see that? Yes? Good. Just one question, if you see it, **Why aren't you slowing down?!?!**

**24.Paved:** Butler always breathes a sigh of relief when they return to paved roads.

**25.High Water: **"Artemis, the Bentley does _not _float. Artemis? Artemis! That's it! I'm driving!"


End file.
